INTERCOURSE: USING FANTASIES
As mentioned in the chapter on courtship, the sharing of fantasies is a sensible way to ensure compatibility. For those in an established relationship who have not done so previously it can present difficulties. Few people would seriously want to fulfil every fantasy even if they had the chance of doing so but talking about them communicates something of value. If the partners are self-confident and aren’t on the look-out for criticism in everything, then sharing fantasies is exciting, amusing and promotes love. The whole point of the sharing is to extend understanding and cooperation. It opens up new possibilities which can be jointly explored, if only in part or in a modified form. Since fantasies used in self-masturbation change, slowly maintaining this communication is an on-going way of keeping sexual boredom at bay. As mentioned later, personal masturbation in the relationship also has another value, that of keeping extra-marital affairs in check.
A degree of apprehension and nervousness is understandable at first when sharing fantasies and one way round this is to read sexy books in bed together, especially those with readers’ letters. Use the topics raised to see if they excite any response. Checking the genitals of your partner to see if they have become aroused also helps.
An interesting fact is that when partners in an established relationship eventually do reveal all they often discover that their fantasies match with, for example, the woman fantasising about a man doing to her just what her partner fantasises doing to a woman.
In clinical practice it is usually found that individuals in a good, satisfying relationship very commonly use fantasies involving members of the opposite sex other than their partner. These may be well-known figures such as film stars, friends, acquaintances or even strangers encountered in everyday life. Of course men and women also commonly have fantasies involving faceless, non-specific members of the opposite sex. This, along with occasional flirting, can be protective to the marital relationship because it is less threatening than actually having intercourse with others.
Other difficulties can arise from sharing fantasies. Some individuals, both men and women, have been brought up to be so inhibited about sex that they consciously restrict their fantasies or even abolish them from the consciousness altogether. In this way a woman may feel that prostitution, for example, is so revolting that even if a prostitution-type fantasy came into her mind she would banish it at once.
Some men’s fantasies are perpetually passive – the woman always takes charge of them. Women often fantasise that they are in a passive role because they have been brought up to believe that sex is something men do to them. Obviously if both partners fantasise passively they cannot really satisfy each other. The best solution in this situation is for them to agree to take it in turns to have their fantasy indulged.
A similar type of difficulty can arise when one partner, usually the man, always has fantasies of activities that do not culminate in intercourse. Some individuals are inhibited about intercourse and so encourage activities close to it, such as oral sex, which avoid the act of intercourse itself. Sometimes, although intercourse is what they would like, their most arousing fantasies are about, for example, dressing in women’s clothing, or the woman being tied up and/or beaten.
With these difficulties in mind, the sharing of fantasies allows the circumstances and types of intercourse to be so adjusted as to give maximal pleasure to both partners. It means that intercourse becomes unique to that couple and adds to their sense of private adventure. It also, perhaps, makes it less likely that either partner will seek adventure elsewhere, because they are both totally pleased and catered for within their sharing relationship.
Women frequently say that if they have to tell their man what to do it reduces their pleasure. This problem is solved if the man reserves some of her fantasies for occasional and unexpected use, especially if he adds a few variations of his own.
Good sex is neither exclusively of the mind nor of the body — it is a blend of both. As a result intercourse proceeds at least as much at the psychological level as at the physical level. The sharing of fantasies teaches partners about each other and this can be very important for men, who are frequently brought up to believe, usually unconsciously, that women are really sexless and have intercourse only to please a man or because they love him.
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Categories: Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction | Tags: Men’s Health
