ROMANCE: A LEARNING PHASE
Probably the need for romance and the search (or hope) for romantic love is best thought of as a stage in the development of the capacity to love in a mature, adult way. It emerges strongly in late adolescence when the love which used to be self-centred (in mid-adolescence) begins to be available for direction towards others. It would be extraordinary if people went from their
self-loving, mid-adolescent phase straight to an ‘other-centred’ type of love without some sort of intermediate learning phase. Romantic love is this phase in adolescence. Romantic love is a way in which we learn to bring together our sexual and loving feelings and to ‘aim’ them at the same person for the first time.
This phase of romantic love, which many young people experience more in fantasy than in fact and which others never grow out of, is still very much concerned with the self — it is almost entirely a preoccupation with one’s own feelings. This might seem strange at first sight because romantic love is, on the surface, very much concerned with the other person.
Both in literature and in fact, this phase of romantic love can also be associated with bouts of anxiety and depression. The loving feelings may even be experienced as a form of agony and yearning. Romantic writers very often talk of ‘the agony of being in love’ and in a sense suffering and tragedy are often an integral part of romance. Some women unfortunately never grow out of this phase and remain tragedy queens, as it were, all their lives. They have perfectly acceptable and enjoyable relationships yet spoil them by creating traumas and tragedies which they feel are necessary to their concept of romantic love.
So, it can be seen that the phase of romantic love is a learning one. Learning to love is much like learning any other skill; just as adolescents have to learn social skills, they have to learn the skill of love. Because it is immature love, it is often described as ‘calflove’ or ‘puppy love’ but this misses its importance. Unless one uses this stage as a foundation, one cannot build the love structure an adult needs. Parents should never make fun of or put down their teenagers in this stage of puppy love — the teenager needs to go through it.
Most people, however, progress to other relationships and, it is to be hoped, begin to get some idea as to what sort of partner would really suit them. Such a relationship once again releases romantic feelings, but now they are simply one component of the more complex emotional and sexual reactions of the chosen partner. Ideally the romantic portion of the relationship should be encouraged to emerge slowly so as to allow realistic assessments to be made. Romantic love then becomes increasingly added to the relationship rather than being its starting-point. In this way the objection that love is blind can be overcome.
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Categories: Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction | Tags: Men’s Health
