HIV INFECTION AND ITS EFFECTS ON INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS: FEELINGS ABOUT SEX-SOLVING THE PROBLEMS
Some people react to these feelings, as Alan did for a while, by becoming celibate, not having sex at all. Celibacy is one solution. If you are uncomfortable having sex, or if you feel no desire to, don’t bother with it. Many find sexual release in masturbation. After a while, many people adjust to safer sex. “The way I’ve adjusted to safer sex,” says Alan, “is by psyching myself into thinking I prefer it. It wasn’t easy, but I did it, and now I can’t not practice safer sex, even if my partner wants to do it differently. I can’t ejaculate inside someone any more.” Lisa and her husband also worked out a mutually satisfying solution: “The virus was pretty hard on our sexual relationship. Oral sex had been an important part of our lives. I tried oral sex with him while he was wearing a condom, but it tasted too bad. We ended up having sex with him wearing a condom, and with mutual masturbation. It was satisfying enough.” Some people set limits on sex. Dean and his partner had sex less often. That made Dean feel guilty, but his partner said, “I can handle that better than he can. I look at him and he looks so tired.” Some couples have sex quickly, and say that is better than nothing. Some couples in which only one person is infected give control to the uninfected person to determine how often they make love and what happens during love-making. One good solution is to accept the necessary changes in sexual practices, and where those changes are less than satisfying find other ways to accomplish the same intimacy, reassurance, comfort, and bonding. “Sex always created a bonding between me and my husband,” Lisa said. “Safer sex could do that too. But I also tried to re-create that bond by doing more things together and having more communication.” Dean said the same thing: “We gave up having sex and make love now.” All kinds of physical intimacies that are not sexual can also create bonding: holding hands, touching, giving baths, giving massages, combing hair, napping together, taking showers together, playing card games, lying in bed together, sitting together to read the morning paper or to watch TV or to listen to music, sitting together and reading aloud to each other. Lisa found that her husband responded as she had hoped: “My husband had always had a fear of intimacy. I saw that dissolve. He told me things he never had before. It took time and love to overcome the fear and guilt.”
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